On Being Alone

I have filed for vacation next month for a week but I have no idea where to go. About a month ago I was looking for exciting things I could do in Slovenia but I am lacking the motivation right now. The wanderlust. I used to be so determined about my upcoming trips with a where-to-go-next plan already in schedule but now I just feel lost for some reason. I don’t even know where I want to go now.

I hate empty houses. Back in grade school I used to sleep over at friends’ houses on weekends because I hated going home to an empty house. I did not give it much thought back then, obviously. Children never really have a say in anything anyway, and the way our family lived was something I just had to accept. But, naturally, I was drawn to big families. Not many of my friends were in the exact same situation anyway, usually it was that one parent was overseas while the other one stayed at home – the average Filipino family. I, on the other hand, only had my sister while both our parents were living abroad.

My dad just left for the Philippines last week. He had only stayed for two months here in Germany and now he’s reunited with his dogs. Before he left, he asked, jokingly, if I was sad. Of course I wasn’t, I told him. I used to always wonder even as a child why they always made a fuss about separation anxiety every time one of my parents left the country. When we first lived apart, they made it look like it’s the most natural thing. They built up an excitement in us so my sister and I were actually quite happy to be moving to the Philippines and start the next school year there. My family has never been good at expressing their true feelings.

When Joan left, I had no other choice but to give her the independence she sought. A friend described it perfectly in the simplest words, “we are both our own person”. We are individuals. And if living individually together doesn’t work anymore, then it has to stop.

I know it’s all about being independent now and doing stuff on your own but it would really be nice to not get shamed for choosing to be harmoniously cohabiting with someone you trust and love because you’re just sick and tired of being alone and practically raising yourself when you were young. I know what being alone means, I know what it’s like and I know I can be it because I’ve been it. Now that I can actually make decisions on my own, being alone has just gotten so much easier than what I had been accustomed to as a young person. Nevertheless, I’m trained for this.

I am mourning the loss of my travel buddy. A few months ago I still called her my wife, my best friend, my #GFF – all these I understand I can’t get back and don’t want back. It just hits me when I want to do something I like and realize I have to do that by myself now. And I wanted out, don’t get me wrong. We both wanted this. But there was a time, though, when being and doing something alone was not something I had to worry about. I actually enjoyed being a better half.

Forgive me if I may not want to spend my vacation alone, or if being alone is the last thing I want given that I’m just starting to live alone for the first time in 8 years in a new city, working with new people. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my shit together. For me, vacations should be about doing something you really want to do and don’t get to do everyday. Being alone is just not one of them at the moment.

P.S. I might still go on that trip to Slovenia by myself but that’s something I’ll just decide spontaneously. My wanderlust is usually stronger than my drama. Haha!

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